We Are Not Alone...

http://maturewomenofyoutube.blogspot.com/

 

One of my favorite things to do is watch YouTube.  I love watching videos related to music, style, makeup, inspiration, homemaking, and so much more.  My biggest challenge has been finding women vloggers around my age.  I was watching one and found this list, thinking someone else out there might benefit from it.  I am sure there are more then this, but it is a great lost to get started.  Happy Viewing!  Much love and many blesings!

That Wasn't How It Was Supposed To Go...

I recently needed a reminder of this.  I was so caught up in wondering how things had gotten to where they were, that I had forgotten to see them has how God wanted them to be.  My husband and I had never planned for our children to move so far away from home when they grew up.  I guess we just always thought they would be right here close for us to continue to keep an eye on.  But that is not what happened at all.  We now have a 20 year old son on one side of the country with his expecting wife, and a 19 year old daughter on the other side with her husband.  Fortunately,  we still have our 16 year old son at home.  But the day will come that he will have to make that choice. We have learned that God gave us the tools to teach our children to make those choices for themselves.  Apparently,  he had more faith in our family then we did.  It is still hard, being so far away.  But we find great comfort in the fact that they are believers of Christ and that He has their backs. 

Thru this last couple of years, the Lord has shown us so much.  Not just about our children, but about ourselves as well.  He has shown us that you don't have to keep your children close to home to remain a part of their lives.  With modern technology, it has made it possible for us to talk or text often.  I look forward to those messages.  Even the littlest ones.  He has taught us that the time to slowdown and enjoy life is now.  Not after our youngest child is grown and on his own in the world.  There is so much we want to do with him before that time comes.  We have a grandchild on the way (and more in the future) and want to be an active part of their lives.  We had things we had planned to do many years ago and just never got around to them because life got busy.  We have been in this house for two uears, and have yet to decorate or do the things we wanted to it.  But the great thing is that we are still young enough and motivated to do them.  The Lord has also shown us that this isn't the end of the story, but the beginning of a new one.  This is where Paul and I get to have the time together that we never got in the beginning.  Sure we were together for five years before having a family, but some of that I was still in school.  The day after graduation I started a full time job working 12 hour night shifts.  He worked 6 and 7 days a week.  Not much time to get to know each other.  Then came kids, dogs, houses, bills, and all the lovely things that come with married life.  Looking back now, I wouldn't have changed any of it.  We were blessed to have our children at all, let alone young.  We enjoyed every minute of them growing up.  And now, they have tured into amazing independent people.  It is time for them to blaze their own trail thru life.  Hopefully someday they can look back, like Paul and I, and feel the pride, graditude, and satisfaction of what they have built together with the love they share with their spouses.  It's an incredible feeling.  I can't tell you how many times my tears of sadness have turned into tears of pride and joy just thinking about all we have done.  So we decided not to be sad anymore that our children were not here.  Rather be grateful of the opportunities they were given and that they found a special someone to share it with.  Afterall, that is what we did.  We married young, worked hard for everything in our whole life, and believed that the Lord would see us through the good and bad.  That is what they need to do.  Love each other and trust in God!  It's what makes a marriage special and stronger. Much love and many blessings!

Road To A Healthier Me...Three of Five

So sorry it has taken me so long to get this posted.  Between my daughter's wedding, new puppies, and just life in general, things have been nuts here.  Boy, life in our house has really taken on a few changes.  Some good, some bad, and some yet to be determimed.  I thought since I had the focus, energy, and time I would finally get a chance to get a post up.  Now, the last post I wrote described getting to know your body.  I truly hope that some of you have been keeping your journals and have learned a thing or two about yourself.  If not, it isn't to late to start.  Now, for the subject that everyone struggles with...diet.  We are constantly being bombarded with the latest, greatest diet plans.  They all have the same promises and seem impossible to follow.  Not only that, they rarely show us the results that we expect.  This brings me to rule number one and a lesson I had to learn the hard way.  Lowering expectations.  I had to get it into my mind that my results would not be the same as others.  With the medications I am on (daily steroids being one of them), it would be harder to control how much I lost.  I, also, had to remember that my body doesn't metabolize certain things as well as others.  Carbs and sugar being just a couple.  The less steroids I take, the more calories my body burns.  Some think this would be an easy problem to have.  Just take less steroids, right?  Wrong answer.  That is asking for a quick hospital stay.  I need those steroids to function.  The more my body is stressed, the more I have to take.  Another issue is that you can't check your steroid levels anytime, like diabetics check their glucose levels.  You have to go by how you feel.  Therefore, it is very easy to get too much.  That means more weight gain.  Plus, it is harder to lose.  Couple all that with the limitations my arthritis has blessed me with, and I am a sitting duck.  Make that an overweight sitting duck.  

This is why it is so important to know your body.  Whether you have a chronic illness or not.  If you do have a chronic illness, you will know better how your body functions (or in some case, doesn't function) and when things start to go wring so you can get right on trating it.  If you don't have a chronic illness, it will help you and your doctor better pinpoint any issues you may have in the future.  I learned that the best diet options for me were portion control, low carbs, high protein and fiber, and to eat less amounts more often.  I also learned that before I workout it is important for me to eat a light snack before hand and do it within an hour or two of the time I take my steroids.  Usually just a yogurt and something with a little salt lIke pretzels.  Drinking lots and lots of fluids is a must.  As my body burns calories and cortisol (which I have to take because my body doesn't make it), it also burns sugar and fluids extremely fast.  So low blood sugar and dehydration come on quick and severe.  It took me two years to figure that out.  It's not information that is always disclosed to you upon diagnosis.  Normal the human body compensates on its own.  Mine doesn'the have the ability to do that.  Which throws my whole theory about ever being normal out the window.  So, I watch my portions, my calories, steer clear of foods that cause inflammation, and drink a lot of fluids.  I will admit, it isn't easy.  However, it does get easier with time and is worth it when you feel better overall.  My diet is mostly plant and animal based.  Basically, if it can't be grown or raised in your back yard, I try not to eat it.  Not always successful, but I try.  The more processed or complex the food, the more inflammation, weight, and pain I experience.  I stay away from creamier salad dressings, heavy grease, bread, and pasta (which I adore) as much as possible.  Since my body is sensitive to salt, preservatives, and I have an extreme nut allergy, I read the labels on everything.  My biggest weakness is sugar.  I love me anything sweet.  Artificial sweetners cause me inflammation and there is research that claims they aren't the best for us.  So it is the real thing for me.  This is where portion control comes into play because I have found that depriving myself of it just doesn't work.  I just keep track of everything I put in my mouth.  A food journal is time consuming, but it is an extremely helpful and essential tool to staying on track.  Yes, it can be hard to remember to write things down.  Especially with our busy lifestyles, but it is worth it.  My best advice is to either keep a small notebook in your purse or find one of the many free apps out there for your phone.  Some will count more then just calories.  I use the My Fitness Pal app, and love it.  It makes a huge difference when you have to be accountable for and actually see what you are putting in your body.

In regards to vitamins, diet supplememts, and other diet aides/plans.  I do not take diet pills, powders, or some natural/herbal supplements.  Not that I don't think they aren't beneficial to some.  I just don't think they are right for me.  Many of them contain ingredients that, combined with my daily medications, can cause more harm then good.  My body can be dysfunctional on its own and doesn't need any help.  I take a One A Day Womens Formula multivitamin, Triple Strength Oesto-Biflex, flaxseed oil (tried fish oil, but too hard on the gut), Vitamin B complex with Vitamin C added, and a potassium supplement when my potassium is low (yet, another symptom of adrenal insufficiency).  All of these are gluten free and approved by my doctors.  My best suggestion is to research the supplement you are interested in.  While there are many hebral and natural supplements out there, they are just like anything else.  There are benefits and side affects to them.  Depending on your body and it's needs, it may react differently then it would for the friend that recommended it.  Also, research the source of everything.  If it's full of fillers and other additives, choose another brand.  Finally, check with you doctor.  I know many doctors don't like to dabble in alternative therapies, but there are some that do.  It is also becoming a more acceptable means of practice, in today's high cost of healthcare and pharmaceuticals (although many insurances won't cover it).

So, there you have it.  My diet plan.  I know it is not what a lot of you wanted to read.  Some were probably thinking I had a quick and easy weight loss diet I had discovered.  Truly, I am sorry to disappoint you.  I, too, know how it feels to be on that merry-go-round.  It stinks.  The truth is, there is no right answer for everyone.  Every persons body, needs, and abilities are different.  You have to do your research, experiment, and work at it.  Just like exercise.  Which I will be covering in my next post.  If I am being honest, I almost think the exercise part is much easier.  I do hope you are being able to learn something from my posts and know you are not alone.  It is a hard battle to fight.  Let's face it...we aren't just working against our own obstacles but the ones society sets in place for us too.  Between the skinny models, advertisements for supplements, and just the general public opinion...we are constantly under pressure to look a certain way.  I al,ost think that how we look has become more important then how we behave.  Not acceptable in my book.  I have just learned that I have to be happy with what I see in the mirror.  If I am not...then I need to look at my plan and make a few changes.  I have made the changes to my diet slowly and am still working on it.  It is something I will always do because it is a part of my lifestyle now.  It has to be because, unless there is a magical cure out there for my problems (or a fountain of youth), they are forever a part of me.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Much love and many blessings!

Better Hair Days Ahead

If you are looking to try some higher end hair products, but don't want to spend the money, take a trip to your local Walmart.  While Hubby and I were shopping in Midland on Friday night, I was able to pick up some products I was wanting to try on clearance.  There were many brands marked down throughout the entire hair aisle.  If you have a coupon, then all the better.  I am trying to make the switch to products free of sulfates and other fillers, so I took advantage of these deals.  Hurry, don't know how long they will last.  Better Hair Days Ahead Ladies and Gents.  Yes, even men's products were marked.  Got to take care of the men in our life to.  We are seen in public with them just as much as they are with us.  Not only that, but I am in a family where the men out number us precious females by a great deal.  They start using my stuff, it will be gone before I can use it.  I just want to take a moment to say thank you all.  I am so glad that we have men who read tgus blog too.  Because healing comes from and effects all aspects of live.  It takes a strong family (men, women, chidren) to hold each other up and help you to be the better you that you dream of.  Also, just in time for back to school to have those teenagers looking awesome!  I am down to one, and he is picky so hoping this helps.  Much love and many blessings

***I am not making money or benefiting in any way by Walmart or the products sold.  All opinions given are of my own experiences.  I have a love/hate relationship with Walmart.  I love their prices, but hate some of the things I witnessed by other customers when I am in there.  Which is why I go late at night or very early in the morning.  I truly love you all.  Good luck!

Road To A Healthier Me...Two of Five

So, it's time to get started.  This first part sounds harder then it is...trust me.  There came a point when I was so discouraged and my self esteem just took a hit.  A really hard hit.  I was sick, overweight, fearful for losing my job, and so many other things.  It was like someone had just pulled the rug out from under my feet.  Everything I had worked so hard for over 20 years seemed to be circling the drain...and fast.  Even though I had been praying all along, I felt like I needed to continue to do so.  I prayed for a clear answer.  My answer came, one day, while I was reading the brochure to a medication.  Go figure.  Leave it to the nurse in me to figure it out.  You see, I read extensively on medications that I am prescribed before I take them.  That is just it.  I was reading it as a patient, not a nurse.  They say nurses make the worst patients.  That is because we don't see taking care of ourselves as nursing.  We see everyone else that way, but not ourselves.  I started thinking of all the things I was supposed to be doing to take care of myself thru a whole new light.  I realized that I didn't have a list of my current meds in my purse (just in case).  I realized, while I was somewhat cautious of what I was eating, I didn't understand how my body was metabolizing it with all the health issues I had.  I was researching and reading, but I wasn't rationalizing any of it.  I know it sounds silly. But I was, in some ways, the nurse that I so hard tried not to be.  Only I was doing it to myself.  I wasn't true to myself and I was not being honest with myself.  One of a nurses biggest pet peeves is when our patients leaves information out or lies to us.  It can result in mistreatment or worse.  So, I do what I always do.  I sit in front of the computer with pen and paper to start formulating a plan. 

I stood in front of the mirror and took measurements of everything from head to toe.  As I measured, I recorded everything in a small notebook.  I took my weight and recorded it in there also.  Then I started thinking about what I wanted to acheive.  For me, it wasn't just about losing weight, but about living a healthier lifestyle and maintaining it.  I knew that this would be the best way for me to control my exacerbations.  I was realistic with myself and honest.  I even wrote down the foods that I couldn't resist.  I knew that I couldn't use commercial weight loss products (due to medications, disease process, etc.).  I, also, knew that I had to allow for cheat moments (not days) and that I had to know my body and the disease processes completely.  By that I mean how it responded to foods, exercise, stress, and medications.  As I sit and started doing my research I realized that the reason I had been so skinny before was because people with adrenal insufficiency don't metabolize carbohydrates and fats well.  So my body didn't have the same amount of fuel a healthy person did.  Which resulted in burning muscle, fatigue, and so much more.  So I knew that these two things had to be eliminated or decreased.  My body was wearing itself out trying to break it down.  A light bulb went off in my head and I realized that I had continued to eat all these things, even after I started taking the steroid (cortisol...you know the fat hormone that you hear about on TV).  I couldn't stop taking the steroid.  I needed it to live...hello!  Regardless of the bad things you hear, your body does need a certain amount of it to maintain life.  Without it you can not regulate your blood pressure, heart rate, breathing...well just about everything.  My body didn't make any so I have to give it to myself everyday.  Think diabetes, with a twist.  Only you can't check your levels everyday and it is rare it is harder to find information.  The steroids also make it harder for me to lose weight.  Especially, if I have to take extra.  The arthritis makes it harder to exercise because of the pain.  Which I do anytime my system is stressed.  So there was my answer for the weight gain.  My body was storing the carbs and fats that it once couldn't.  It, also, couldn't burn it because it would flare my arthritis and asthma, which led to stress, which led to more steroids.  A nonstop cycle.

My plan had just formulated itself.  I had to cut out carbs and fats as much as possible.  I had to settle for small goals, pace myself, and keep my expectations low.  It also showed that I had to write down everything I ate, how my body reacted to it, and what I was taking for meds everyday.  This meant what time, how much, and every reaction my body had.  Last but not least, it meant that no matter how afraid I was of pain or flaring my arthritis/asthma, I had to find a way to move.  So, I started by slipping in ten lunges here or there.  If I was doing my hair in the bathroom, I would do them.  If I was watching TV, I would do ten of something else easy.  Gradually, I would add to the ten.  If I had five minutes, I would go pull weeds in the gardens (gardening is excellent exercise).  Anything to get moving.  That is where I would start, and with the understanding that I would have to tweet and modify things as I went.  Most of all, I had to get it out of my head that a weak moment does not equal failure.  That I could slip up, but I had to get right back on the wagon.  Not the next week, but the next minute.  So, there it is.  I know it sounds complicated and like it wouldn't work for everyone, but I promise, it will. 

So, the part I know you are all looking forward to...the homework.  That's right, I said "homework".  Your homework is to write down your weight, your measurements, any and all medical conditions (believe it or not the meds and conditions do effect how your body handles what you do and what you eat), start a wellness journal that you keep with you always.  It doesn't have to be anything huge.  Just something to write down everything you eat/drink, medications you take, how you feel and sleep, and your measurements.  Include times, things like naps, exercise, your mental state (fuziness, alert, tired, etc.).  I want you to look at diets pertaining to your particular health issues and what you are supposed to be doing to treat it.  You want to know everything you can about your body.  You will also learn so much more.  Patterns and habits will come to light.  If you smoke, you will see when your hardest times are.  I know it seems awful time consuming.  Explore the My Fitness Pal app, or others like it, to help make it easier.  You should not look at this as time consuming, but as taking care of yourself.  Knowledge is power.  The more knowledge you gain, the more confident you will be.  This leads to success!  The next post, I plan to cover vitamins, supplements, diet, etc...!   Thanks for sticking with me.  I know this all seems basic, maybe even undoable to some.  But we have to start with the basics in order to form better habits.  No matter what fitness level you are at.  Set your goals realistically.  Based on what you are doing now, your lifestyle, and ability.  Be honest.  Dont say you are doing 100 cruches if you have not done them in years, or that you are cutting out all pop if that us what you drink all day everyday.  You are only setting yourself up for failure.  Much love and many blesings!

i

The Road to a Healthier Me...Part One of Five

Well, here it is.  After posting an updated picture on Facebook of myself, many messaged me wanting to know how I am losing weight.  I wish I could explain it all in a simple post.  The truth is, it's not that simple.  Weight is not something I ever had to worry about.  Not gaining it anyway.  Thought I just had good genes or something.  Then, my world got pretty complicated when I found out about my adrenal insufficiency and arthritis.  It got even more difficult when my asthma decided to protest.  So, I found myself on high levels of steroids, unable to move, and unable to breath.  A dear friend of mine and I always joke around as to whether I was going to decide to breath or move on any given day.  Funny in hindsight, but not so much at the time.  To top it all off, I had to have major oral surgery that resulted in false teeth and having difficulty chewing, swallowing, and talking.  Not where I imagined myself 20 years ago when I was the ultimate super mom and wife.  But that is all in the past, now.  It took me along time to figure out how to get myself, at least, well again.  After my Facebook post today, I decided that I should share what I have learned over the last 13 months.  This series is not meant to sound difficult or to hold you back from reaching your goals.  It is, however, meant to educate you and open your eyes.  Keep in mind, I am not a doctor or fitness expert.  Although, I am a nurse...I am also a patient who happens to be a mom and a wife.  Much of what I have learned is bits and pieces of many things I have researched and tried myself.  I do not make claims or garuntees that it will work for everyone.  This is only testimony of my experience.  Let's be clear...losing weight and being healthy is a commitment.  It is also different for each and everyone of us and very personal (both emotionally and physically).  I have shown you two pictures.  The one of me in the pink tank was taken June 2014 when my daughter graduated.  The photo of me in the yellow top was taken yesterday  (July 2015).  I weighed 185 lbs. back then.  Today I weigh 155lbs..  Not to my goal yet, but I am getting there. 

So, you might be asking, "Why, five parts?"  There is very good reason for this, I promise.  For starters, there is just that much I have learned.  Also, I wanted it to be easier to understand and follow.  No fancy, smancy, medical terms here.  Yes, that means you can pronounce the words!  Last but not least, getting healthy again is a process and a commitment.  Not just to yourself, but to those who are close to you.  This means you might need a break or time to absorb your thoughts and feelings.  That's right folks, I said feelings.  I stated this was a process.  It's not only about losing weight.  It involves changing the way you live...for good.  It will make you think of things you never did, feel things you never felt, and try things you never tried.  But in the end, it will be worth it.  So, hang on to your undies folks, this ride is going to be bumpy.  I encourage you to take notes, do your own research, and get ready for a good dose of being honest with yourself.  No magic pill here, people.  Just hardworking and determination.  The ride starts now...(or, at least, in the next post).  Much love and many blessings!  Oh! And Good Luck! 

High Standards!

Well, I am finding myself in a pretty weird mood lately.  I think it has something to do with my daughter getting married, my youngest son turning 16, and my older son and his wife being so far away.  They warn you about "Empty Nest Syndrome".  But no one explains that it happens in stages and so fast.  And that for the first time in 20 years, you and your husband will have to spend time alone together and carry on a conversation that doesn't revolve around dates, sports, school, and anything related to teenagers.  Lol!  So in an attempt to keep this post as organized as possible, we will challenge each one in order of age, from youngest up.

My youngest son is 16 and very, very active.   He does not sit well, which is why his video games have collected more dust then the west coast.  Turning 16 is a right of passage for all teenagers, but I think when you are the youngest and only one home, it is definitely different.  He spends a lot of time with friends.  His friends spend a lot of time here.  And while yes, there are new found freedoms, there is also loneliness.   He has always had someone there.  It's the trait of being the youngest.  Many of you know he struggles with school alot and spending time being active is how we keep him from bouncing of the walls 24/7.  It isn't for everyone, but it works for us.  They wanted him on meds when he was younger and we opposed them.  Sports was his therapy and outlet, and it worked.  That being said, he is the sweetest boy with so much life in him.  I am so proud of how far he has come.  He is learning benefits of getting up stronger everytime he gets knocked down.  That makes him a winner, no matter what.  Hoping he can make it once Shelby is gone.  Guess the workout area will need some upgrades.

Our Tinkerbell is going to be 19 on September 17th of this year.  Two days later (on the 19th) we will watch her get married to her Peter Pan.  He is an absolutely amazing gentleman in the Air Force.  After that they will be moving to Washington.  It's getting harder as the time grows closer.  We went the wedding planner route and I am so glad we did.  I am finding it is too emotional for me to handle.  I know she will be so happy.  He is the best son in law we could have ever asked for.  It's just so hard to think that I won't be able to see her beautiful face every morning or hear her funny one liners everyday.  This one is hardest.  She is our only daughter.  You can't put a limit on that.  Not for love, not for money, not for happiness, not for anything.  Yet, we are extremely proud of who she is.  We were always accused of having to high standards for our kids, especially Shelby.  We never expected anything from them we knew they couldn't give.  Shelby has completely put in awe with her wonderful heart and ability to see the brightside.  It gives me comfort knowing she is so independent.  She is going to have to be, and she will rock at it.

Then there is our Soldier Boy and his wife, who have had to endure so much pain and hardship lately.  It doesn't even seem fair that any couple should have to experience this much heartbreak and tears.  I miss them both very much.  Just because he is an adult and lives far from home, doesn't mean I don't worry.  In fact, I worry more.  I feel I have missed so much with them away.  I just do the best I can thru text and calls.  It's not the same, and some days the void can be consuming.  I take comfort in the fact that we instilled those higher standards in him.  He is an awesome husband.  Someday, they will be the best parents any child would be lucky to have.  My sweet daughter in law brings the best out in him.  That's when you know it's right.  they are both learning that you can get through anything, as long as you stick together.  It makes it easier and the loving bond between you grow stronger.

So, hubby and I are finally getting time alone.  The problem is, we don't know what to do with it.  It's crazy that for 20 years we couldn't get time together and now we have too much.  So we set out to make the most of it.  You see, we started our family young due to health issues.  So we never really had that alone time some couples get before starting a family.  Yes, even though we had been dating for 5 years, we hadn't lived together but for a very short time.  So, this is our time.  Time to find hobbies as a couple and as individuals.  We decided that instead of looking at the extra time as empty, we would look at it as a new beginning.  A new beginning into being by ourselves one day in this house.  This also keeps us from potentially hurting each other.  Lol!  Hopefully, by the time our youngest graduates, we will be okay.  Good thing we have a couple of years because this is going to take some work.  That being said, we could not be any prouder of all our children.   They exceeded any expectations they were held up to.  They are positive, happy, giving, children.  They all believe in God and they all know the importance of family and helping others.  That's what setting standards for your children can prove.  It's not about making them people they are not.  It's about helping them to become the people they are supposed to be, in according to God's plan for them.  Much love and many blessings!

God Placed Those Dreams On Your Heart...

I am supposed to be sleeping, right now.  Interview for a new position at work.  It's funny how your life changes so much after dealing with chronic illness.  There was a point last year that I felt I couldn't possibly be of any use to anyone as a nurse.  Everybody encouraged me to apply for permanent disability.  This was something that I just felt it wasn't the time for, yet.  So, I picked myself up, and asked God to show me the path He wanted me to take.  Well, here I am redefining  what my life has stood for.  Something happens to you when you decide to fight back.  You feel this inner strength that causes you to stand a little taller, smile a little bigger, and believe that dreams can come true.  And in the process of achieving your dreams you learn so much about yourself and your relationship with God.  It becomes one of teacher and student.  He shows us what He dreams for us.  Sometimes our dreams and his dreams aren't all that different.  It's the plan of attack that differs.  All to often we don't see the path that God wants us to take.  Or we do see it, but it looks harder then our way.   So, we stick to our plans and stumble often.  If there is one thing that I have learned it is that by following God's blue print for my life, I appreciate every step it takes to get to the finish line.  Even the impossible steps are more rewarding once taken.  The journey may take longer.  There might be more critics.  Yes, there will be times you want to give up.  We all have these moments.  You need to remember that if He didn't think you could achieve the dreams you have, He would hve never placed them on your heart. My plan was to become a Nurse practioner.  I have accepted that God had a better plan for me.  It's going to be a challenge.  But one I am more then willing to take.  Hope you lol believe in yourself, as I do.  You are all amazing wo, enjoy and men.  Don't let anything get in the way of the life God has for you.  He sees your potential and wants the very best for you.  Much love and many blessings!

Happy Mother's Day!

It's amazing how God knows what we need, right at the right moment.  I have had a very challenging couple of weeks.  It would seem that my body is rebelling a bit.  Trying to move forward is a bit harder then I thought it would be.  There are daily schedule changes, medication changes, and dealing with limitations that all take more time for my system to adjust to.  However, I am starting to come around.  Life is definitely unpredictable.  Mother's Day was just what I needed.  There is nothing like having your family pamper you to make you feel like a very important part of their lives.  I will be honest.  I started feeling a bit taken advantage of.  I think all mom's go through those feelings from time to time.  We forget that they are just used to mom being the one who takes care of everything.  It's not their fault.  It's just how it is.  I am so lucky to have the family I do.  God reminded me of that today.

Although today was awesome, there was one thing missing.  Òur oldest son.  I am so proud of the soldier he is.  However, it is hard to be away from him on these special days.  No matter how old he gets, there will always be the worry and concern that I had for him while he was growing up.  It's hard to believe that he will be a parent himself soon.  I know that he will be an awesome dad.  I also know my beautiful, sweet daughter in law is going to be a special mommy.  They were meant to be parents.  You can see it in them when they are with other children.  I believe that the Lord brings special people together to bless with little ones who will be the best of both of them.  I feel it happened with Paul and I.  I also believe it has happened with them.  We are so excited.  A true blessing!

So, I want to wish all of my readers a wonderful Mother's Day.  Not just for today, but every day.  May we never forget the importance of what we do as moms.  We need to hold on to all the memories and create as many new ones as possible.  The impression we leave on our children goes way beyond high school graduation.  They don't stop being our children just because they moved away and started a life of their own.  The life they create for themselves is based on the life we gave them as children.  The values, the love, the whole package shapes them as adults.  If we are lucky, they will fill the purpose God has for their life.  There is more importance there then we often realize.  Definitely more then they will understand until they are our ages.  Many blessings and much love.

New Beginnings...

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about all the changes that are taking place in our life.  It seems like just yesterday we were planning for proms, graduations, weekends with a house full of teenagers, and after school activites.  Those days seemed so crazy and full of chaos back then.  Today they seem like they were a million years ago.  They are nothing but memories, now.  Sweet, precious memories that will always stay close to my heart.  Today is a different story.  As a soon to be empty nester, it can be very challenging to transition to the changes that come with having children become adults.  There are the adjustments to the silence, the free time, and even to the reduction in laundry and household chores.  Although we still have a very active, soon to be 16 year old at home, the house seems empty.  Even he is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to it.  Our yongest has never been alone.  He is looking at two years of being the only child at home, with a soldier brother, and an Air Force spouse sister located acrossed the country.  Not in the same direction, I might add.  So, has hard has it is for us, we are trying to keep things in perspective for him.  Our children have always been close.  We know this is a hard adjustment for him.

One thing we have done, for him, is to try and focus on the fact that he is going to be an only child.  Which, by the way, comes with a certain amount of benefits.  No fighting over the bathroom, mom and dad's full attention, and other things he can look forward to.  For hubby and I, we are trying to focus on the new beginings.  We just recently found out that we will be first time grandparents in December.  Something we are still trying to adjust to, but are extremely excited about.  We are also preparing to watch our only daughter devote her life to a very special young man.  So, there will be a wedding late this summer.  I have also decided to go back to school for my Master's in Nursing.  I feel the best I have in years, and am up for the challenge.  Paul is starting to make more plans for hunting and fishing trips.  Lord, help us all!  My poor garage is already so full of equipment.  But the great outdoors is his sanctuary.   I feel the same about my gardening.  We both enjoy the outdoors.  Just in different ways.  We both believe that nature is one of God's most generous blessings.  It just keeps giving in beauty, in purpose, and in peace.  After all the hard work put into this yard last year, there are so many new flowers and plants starting to grow.  It's newness and excitement seem to reflect the feelings in our family, right now.  Spring is such a wonderful time of year.  A time of new beginnings.  Nothing could be , more true for our family, right now.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.  Doesnt He?  A year ago, I could have never imagined that things would be so good.  I knew and trusted that the Lord had a plan.  I just had no idea that it would be so awesome.  You see, we look at life so differently now.  I look for the positive and beauty in my life everyday.   I give praise to Him everyday for leading us down the path that he has.  The good and the bad.  We have realized that sometimes he gives us challenges and struggles to appreciate the good more and to help keep our faith in Him growing.  Its like the old saying, "Use it or lose it."  This can be said of our faith in God.  In order to let it grow, we have to be able to practice it.  The challenges are never easy.  But they are alwys a way for us to learn more about Gods glory and ourselves.  It has given us more purpose and meaning in everything we do.  Much love and many blessings!  

An Easter Message...

Back when our children were small, I proposed the idea of introducing them to Christ.  My husband had very little background in what it meant to live as a Christian.  I could tell over the course of our marriage that something had been missing.  So, I did what I always did.  I prayed on it.  As a young girl, I was raised in a Catholic household.  I can remember my mom or dad coming into my room to wake me early on Sunday mornings to ensure that we were all dressed, fed, and to service by 9a.m..  Over the course of time we did not go to services as regularly.  However, my parents still ran a household that served God.  We said prayers at night, said grace at dinner, practiced Christian values, and still attended services with various friends of different denominations.  My parents never refused an opportunity for us to grow in our relationship with Christ.  I wanted the same for our children.  I wanted them, and my husband, to know the fulfillment and overwhelming love that can only be experienced through a relationship with God.  After praying on it for a couple of weeks and touching on the subject with my husband, I decided that it was time to get back to my roots.  My biggest hope was that my family would embrace the opportunity.  My biggest fear was that they would think I was nuts and want nothing to do with it.  So, I set out a plan of attack.  I got up before the kids and hubby, got dressed, and started getting the kids up one by one.  I told them that we were going to church and that they would learn something new today.  Then, I took a deep breath and woke up my husband.  I simply said, "Honey, it is time to get up.  The kids and I are going to church this morning.  Service starts at 11:00 a.m..  It is 10:00a.m., right now.  If you would like to go, I am leaving at 9:45.  If not, I understand, but would really love it if you were with us". Fifteen minutes later, a handsome, well dressed man stepped out of the bedroom with keys in hand and a big smile.  "Let's go," he said.  The rest is history. 

Since that day, we have planted the seeds of Christ in the running of our home and the nurturing of our children.  Are we a perfect Christian family.  By no means.  However,  I can say with much confidence that no family is.  The past few years we have come to rely on our faith and trust in God so much.  A year ago, I was laying in the hospital, with a mouth full of stitches, my face altered, and unsure of where my future would be.  But one thing I never doubted was God's purpose.  My family also felt that way.  They never once questioned why.  They just supported me and prayed, as well.  I spent nine months relearning how to talk, eat, tips and exercises to strengthen my facial muscles, and my body.  Due to stress and not being on my meds, I could barely move, let alone walk.  Therefore, a very slow rehabilitation started to get my entire body back into shape.  My family never stopped believing in me, and God held my hand the whole way.  I had pretty much been told to apply for disability.  Not something I wanted to hear or accept.  So, I prayed and prayed.  For whatever reason, in my heart, I knew that was not what I was meant to do at that time.  I made a deal with myself and with the Lord.  The deal was that if I wasn't healthy enough to go back to work by the end of the year, I would throw in my towel and apply for disability.  I got the clearance to go back in June, applied for over twenty positions, and prayed to God that if I wasn't meant to be there then don't let me be offered the position.  So I continued to exercise, eat right, follow a strict medication regimine, and attend my doctors appointments.  Then, one afternoon, the phone rang.  It was an offer to take my old position back.  I jumped at it, knowing that if I wasn't meant to be there, God wouldn't have brought the chance to do it.

Here we are a year later and I am simply amazed at what God has blessed us with.  We are getting ready for our youngest to turn sixteen.  Our daughter will be getting married in just a short few months.  Our oldest and his wonderful wife are expecting our first grandchild.  Which is still sinking in.  Haha!  I am back to work and feel better then I have in a very long time.  I have been able to pursue some opportunities in writing and am getting ready to go back to school to become a Nurse Practioner.  What a difference a year makes!  I have no explanation for it except that the Lord had His hand in it.  I think about the sacrifices and the trials we suffered along the way.  Yet, it pales to the comparison to the sacrifice Jesus made for all of us.  When I think of the pain and the cruelty He endured, it brings tears to my eyes.  I don't know anyone who would willingly do that for anyone.  I don't know any parent that would sacrifice their son to save the lives of millions.  It is sad how we see our problems and misfortunes has if they were the worst thing anyone could go through.  Don't get me wrong.  Some of us are dealing with some pretty awful battles.  I don't make light of these struggles, at all.  My point is that, no matter the problem, we don't have to go through it alone.  Someone loved us so much that He gave His life for us.  A love that can not be measured.  A love that was proven three days later, when Jesus was resurrected.  This resurrection stands as a promise of eternal life to all who believe in Him.  It gives us hope and allows us to believe that we can overcome anything.  We can confide and lean on our Lord and Savior.  He wants us to.  He has never let me down.  He won't let you down either.  I promise.  Much love and many blessings!  Oh, and HAPPY EASTER!

My New Fear...Time To Myself

As a young adult weight, time, and health were not things that I concerned myself with.  I ate what I wanted, and never worried about the consequences.  The same thing goes for my everyday life.  I worked long shifts and overschefuled myself never worrying about the effect it would have on my body.  Those were the days.  Unfortunately, they didn't last long.  It all caught up with me the hard way.  Fast forward 20 years later and I realize just how much I took advantage of being "young and healthy".  I have experienced many setbacks.  Some more difficult then others.  However, somewhere deep down inside I have found the strength to get through it all.  Many lessons have been learned.  The biggest lesson is that it doesn't just happen with a pill, a special diet, or even seeing the best doctors in the country.  It is a combination off all of it, a fighting spirit, an awesome support system, wonderful medical care, and faith that God is by my side every step of the way.  Even in my darkest moments.

However, now that I have seized control of all that, I find my self approaching several milestones. Some that i have found are a lot more challenging then others.  The blessing of being over forty (not something I was quick to embrace).  That time in every parents life when we set our children off into this big world on their own.  We have gained a besutiful daughter in law and soon a son inlaw.  I love them just as my own.  Then the biggest of all.  Time.  Time, you ask?  That's right...time by myself, time with my husband, and time to sit and drive myself crazy.  Now, if you are anything like me, you can't stand more then three days with your husband. I love the man to death and thank God everyday that I have him in my life.  However, we have always been so busy with kids that time ALONE, TOGETHER was like winning the lottery.  Now, we have so much time together that we drive each other crazy.  Of course, it doesn't help that neither one of us can stay still.  This is all with one teenager still home for a couple of years.  I am afraid that once the youngest is out, one of us will be admitted to the nearest mental health unit.  That would be even worse and just prove to my critics that i truly am out if my mind.  I can not have that, even uf there are days i believe it myself.  This brings me to my final fear...TIME BY MYSELF.

If you are a mom (and I think most are), you know what I am talking about.  Remember those days of not being able to go to the bathroom alone?  Well, now we find ourselves drowning in silence.  Now, how each one of us deals with this change is different.  Some might pick up another hobby, work more hours, or delight in it all and do nothing.  In my case, I have decided to make the most of it.  While my health is improving, it will never be the same as it was 20 years ago.  Therefore, I realize I have to be careful in the activities I participate in.  Exercise is great, and I love it.  Unfortunately, I have to pace myself, so doing extra workouts isn't really an option.  For me, the best decision, and the one that makes the most sense is to go back to school and finish my Bachelors and Masters in Nursing.  So, I have been looking into online programs that will allow me to have a minor in ministry.   The choices are a bit iverwhelming.  I have my work cut out for me. I feel nursing is a ministry in its self.  I want to focus on showing my patients that spiritual medicine and scientific medicine are best when practiced together.  I know there are some that will roll their eyes, but I am living proof that this is true.  I just want to pay it forward.  So, that combined with pursuing my writing should keep me busy.  If it doesnt, I guess there is always the mental health unit.  Maybe they will give me one if those white jackets that will allow me to hug myself continally.  Now that would be cute, and a bit too much self love for me. 

I hope that you find what you are passionate about and able to pursue it.  Life is to short to waste time just going through the motions or sitting with our minds spinning because if the silence around us.  Listen to your inner voice and do what makes you happy.  God plants those aspirations on our hearts for a reason.  Whether to teach us something about ourselves or about others.  Much love and many blesdings.

Conquering...

I am sitting here tonight with so much on my mind.  It hasn't exactly been the best of the last couple of days.  Fighting allergies, asthma, and, once again, the ever so present arthritis flare that comes with all of it.  However, I can't help but think about how lucky I am.  Yes, some days are so hard.  As a dear friend reminded me earlier, it is so hard to be who everyone expects you to be when you are struggling with pain, disease, and the defeat that comes with it all.  Despite all that, I have learned that during these moments, it is important to remember the positives in my life.  There are so many blessings.  My family is my greatest blessing.  A husband who not only makes me feel special, but shows me everyday how much I am loved.  Children who understand that mom is not like all the other moms, but offers them something many moms can't.  A view through the eyes of a woman who has suffered and continues to fight on and survive it all with style, grace, and a continued faith in God.  Friends who are my family and care for me and my loved ones as if we were all from the same family tree.  

These are the things I focus on when times are hard.  Through these thoughts, it is where I hear Gods voice telling me to keep fighting.  To ignore the people who have told me I can't do it.  It is my success that will be the lasting image that shows them how wrong they were.  To prove to the ones who have called me self absorbed or questioned my actions that others can be inspired and lifted up, instead of ridiculed and judged poorly.  Life has taught me so many valuable lessons.  Lessons some will not have the privilege of ever learning.  I am sad for them, really.  These are lessons that a person passes on long after they are gone.  In these thoughtful moments, it is where I take a deep breath, pick myself up, and find my energy to keep on going.  It's not always easy.  In fact, it's always extremely hard.  Yet, I do it.  I keep God as my copilot and together we conquer the day.  When it's over, I am sore, tired, and can barley move...but my heart and soul are happy and proud of what I accomplished.  Do I care what others see?  Yes, because I don't like looking weak.  However, I do like victory.  It is that victorious feeling that makes me want to say, "I showed you!"  Then tomorrow, I will do it all over again...until the day I can't anymore.  Much love and many blessings!

Fantastic Footies!

For all you ladies who have been struggling this winter with dry cracked feet, there is hope.  I discovered this lotion purely by accident.  I was shopping at Rite Aid and they were running an Ups Reward special on Curel brand items.  After discovering that what I was looking for was sold out, I went to look for another item and found this one.  It is Curel Foot Therapy.  Figured it couldn't hurt to try.  Can I just say...I love this lotion.  For one thing, it is not greasy and sinks right into your feet.  Another thing is the smell.  It is a very nice scent that doesn't cause that odor when your feet start sweating.  I know you all know what I am talking about.  Yes, we women get smelly feet too.  It's time to come out of denial.  I checked the ingredients and found coconut, citrus fruits, olive, and other natural ingredients.  So, give it a try.  It's time to start thinking about sandal season!

Middle Aged Woman Rant!!!

Sitting here on my night off.  I keep my midnight schedule, even on my nights off.  It's just a lot less hectic on my body.  So, in a frantic search to find inspiration for my next blog post, I started searching "middle-aged women" on the Internet.  Instead of inspiration, I found it to be a rather depressing subject.  Oh there was plenty of information, stories, and humor to be found.  There is the middle aged divorced woman.  The middle aged single woman.  The stay at home middle aged woman, who lives on a bugdet.  My personal favorite...50 things middle aged women are doing wrong.  Well first of all, I am not divorced.  Nope, I married my high school sweetheart and still happily married.  So that rules out single and divorced.  As for being a stay at home mom living in a budget...I work full time.  Because it is my choice.  Tried the stay at home mom and wanted to hang myself.  Kudos to those who can do it.  It truly isn't easy.  By the way, don't we all live on a budget. I mean, the last I knew, the cost of living is still going up and I am not getting any younger or richer.  As for 50 things I am doing wrong, I am so happy for the improvement.  After all, I can only name about a 100 of them in my early adulthood.

Seriously, why must the beginning of middle age be such a downer.  If you aren't already depressed by entering it, you only have to search the Internet, grab a glass, and a bottle of wine, and cuddle up with your tissues.  Oh but wait!  You'll be prone to carpal tunnel, ruin your liver, and your friends and family will want you to be on Prozac.  Why does getting older have to be such a bad thing?  I feel the best that I have felt in years.  Yes, despite my illnesses.  I can go to the bathroom without an audience.  I suffer from sleep deprivation because, for the first time in years, I stayed up too late watching a whole movie or reading a whole book without interruption.  I can go shopping and step into a dressing room knowing that I am not a perfect size 2.  The best thing is...I am 41 and no one expects me to be.  I can speak my mind and feel comfortable in doing so.  Many may not approve of my blogging, but here I have a voice.  A voice that speaks for many women my age...not just myself.  Someday, those same women will be in our shoes and be grateful someone said all the things they are thinking.

Yes, my children are almost all grown, my waistline is bigger, my body is far from perfect, I say what's on my mind, and I still wake up next to the same snoring man everyday for over 20 years.  What is wrong with all that?  Not a darn thing.  So stop picking on women between 40 and 60.  Seriously, if you stopped to actually get to know us, you might be inspired and find much wisdom.  This is all regardless of our age, marital status, or wether or not we are rich or married.  We aren't that bad...really!

To Every Time There Is A Season...

Very recently, one of my very dear friends lost her battle with cancer.  She was an awesome woman and had so much strength.  I remember thinking that if anyone could beat this horrible disease, it would be her.  However, just before Christmas, she went home to be with our Heavenly Father.  We all watched and we're just amazed at the picture of courage and strength she had become to us all.  There are nights I miss her terribly.  She was always there to help me feel better.  Somehow, with as different as our illnesses were, we had common ground.  The battles were different, but the effects were much the same.  I sit back and think about those conversations.  You see, cancer may have weakened her body.  Yet, it never weakened her heart.  She was always full of encouragement and concern for everybody else.  How selfless she was just amazed me.  It isn't the first time I had lost a loved one to this terrible disease.  But it was the first time it had affected me in a way I can not explain.  So, today I find myself having to face, yet another person in my life battling this terrible disease.  I haven't seen him in a while and know I have to.  Yet, the sorrow and fear associated with my friends passing has me so scared.  Scared to get close again.  I just feel like every good person in my life has been taken from me due to this disease.  From my grandmother to my friends to my family.  It's so hard.  I, in no way, could ever compare my pain and sorrow with what his wife and children are going through.  It is just the thought that you are helpless against this disease.  I am a nurse.  My job is to make people better.  Unfortunately, I struggle with the fact that we can't always fix them. 

The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3,"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...".  I read this and know that it is true.  It is one of the many things we all have in common as humans.  It just seems that some seasons are longer then others and a lot harder to get through.  We go through life celebrating birthdays, holidays, special occasions, and all the wonderful accomplishments our lives bring to us and our loved ones.  Then, time just seems to stand still when we have to deal with disease, loss, and times of hardship.  The people around us move on with their lives, and those most affected struggle to just get through every hour.  It is this grand experience we call life.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  But somewhere buried deep inside it all is some of the most beautiful, unforgettable, and life changing moments that make going on worth it.  It's the hope that tomorrow will be a better day.  The appreciation of the blessings we have been given.  Life didn't come with a blueprint.  The closest thing we have is our spiritual GPS...The bible and our faith in God.  Because something's we just have to put Him in the drivers seat for.  Much love and many blessings!

Top Five Beauty Products For 2014!!!

 

Well, I spent much of last year trying to reverse damage from illness or meds (we will not mention age), and trying to help myself gain some self confidence back.  In the process, I found many products that I absolutely love.  I have seen many bloggers do a top ten or a top 14 for 2014.  I decided to be different.  I decided to choose just five.  My criteria?  First of all, it had to be something that I would not want to be without and actually worked.  Secondly, it had to be readily available and cheap.  So, after much deliberation, these are the five that I have come up with.  (Top Left):  Studio 35 Beauty is found at Walgreens.  It is an Alpha Hydroxy Acid and can be used with your regular facial moisturizer.  It is wonderful.  I did notice my discolorations get lighter and my fine lines get less noticeable.  Best of all, it is around $8 for a huge jar.  The only down side is that it reminds me of Elmer's glue, but the smell disappears almost right away.  Beauty knows no pain, Ladies!!!  (Bottom Left):  Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque is an excellent treatment to use a couple of times a week to help keep breakouts away and your skin feeling fresh.  It is around $3 or $4 at Dollar General for a huge tube.  After you are done, your skin will feel tingly and fresh.  Love this.  (Bottom Right):  Aussie 3 Minute Miracle is a great way to keep dry hair looking shiny and feeling soft.  My hair is processed and my meds cause much breakage, as well.  this has made a huge difference.  I can actually comb through my hair with a comb and no tangles.  I purchase mine at Dollar General for less then $5.  (Top Right):  Boost It High Lift Creation Spray by L'Oreal is a little more expensive then the previous products.  It is between $6 and $8 at various drugstores.  However, I purchase mine at Rite Aid when they are on sale.  I use coupons and my Up Rewards.  Many times, I can get it for free.  I have thin hair and need the lift.  I just spray it at my roots and I look like I have the hair of a teenagers again.  So much volume that stays with me all day.  I do not use a lot, so this can has lasted forever.  It is used in conjunction with my everyday hairspray.  (Middle):  The 24 Hour Color Tattoos by Maybelline are awesome.  Not sure what they are full price because I only buy them on sale, with coupons, and my Up Rewards at Rite Aid.  They are very pigmented and last all day.  So much so that if I don't take my makeup off before I go to bed, it is still in place when I wake up.  I just use my finger for application and it only takes a few minutes to do my eye makeup.  Love these!!!  So, there you have it.  The five products I found in 2014 that I will not be without.  I know that some might think that this is useless information.  However, there are some that will find it very helpful.  Just because we get older, doesn't mean we stop caring about how we look.  In fact, some of us get more self conscious about taking care of ourselves.  Let's face it...they aren't passing out facelifts at Walmart as the Bluelight Special.  Even if they were, it's invasive and has side effects.  So, I look for products to help me make the most of what I have, cover up what I don't, and fake it on a bad day.  Ahhh!  The wonderful magic of good makeup, skincare, and hair products.  With the gift of these products, we can even convince ourselves we don't look as bad as we feel sometimes.



The Over 40 Category!

So, today I find myself in the over 40 category.  No, that is not a bad thing!  At one time I thought it would be.  Once I was diagnosed with the Addisons and Arthritis, I thought my life would go down hill.  Sure I have bad days.  Sometimes, a lot of them.  Yes, my body isn't ever going to be the same.  But, today, I find myself in a place I once thought I would never be.  Today, on my 41st birthday, I find myself counting my many blessings and happier then I have been in a very long time.  I have a job I love, friends and family I adore, kids who are growing into fine young adults, a husband I couldn't imagine my life without, a blog I have worked hard on and am proud of, a God who loves me and is with me everyday, and so much more.  Even with all the bad things that I have been through in the past 3 years, I am still standing.  Standing strong and feeling hopeful.  The season in my life I once saw as an ending, I now see as a new beginning.  Isn't that funny?  It goes to show that the Lord has a plan in everything He brings into our lives.  In the end, it's not about having everything we want.  It's about appreciating everything we are blessed with and how we treat and use them.  I am so very blessed.  No, my life isn't perfect.  But in my life, there are perfect moments.  I wouldn't change a thing.  Much love and many blessings.

It's Not All About The Dress!!!

So, today was both one of the happiest days of my life and one of the hardest.  Today I took my daughter shopping for her wedding gown.  That's right!  My only little girl is a "bride to be".  Before today it was just all talk.  Even the ring on her finger didn't help it sink in.  But today was different.  No amount of prom dress shopping prepares you for the first time your daughter steps into that first wedding gown.  It's like your heart wants to burst with joy and break into a million pieces from the realization all at once.  Then, after six or seven dresses, you just start getting use to it, and BAM!  It's the one.  I knew it before we even got it zipped up.  I made her wait to look in the mirror until it was all set.  Then, I saw that look.  The same look I had just a little over 20 years ago when I tried on my wedding dress.  Tears from both of us started.  For her, it was the moment she felt like a bride.  For me, it was the moment I knew I would have to let her go soon.  I am so proud of her, and couldn't be more thrilled with my future son in law.  He is a good man.  Hubby and I know he will take care of and love her always.  You can see it in the way he looks at her.  They really do remind us of 20 years ago.  They say it's all about the dress.  But today I learned it's more then that.  It is about letting go and still being able to show her that you are always there.  That, no matter what, my arms are opened.  I'm learning to loosen my grip a bit at a time.  It's hard and involves many teary moments.  But it is also wonderful to watch her fly on her own.

Ramblings of a Night Owl!

So, here it is 2a.m., and wide awake.  Yes, the life of a night owl.  Don't get me wrong.  It does have its perks.  The house gets clean with little disruption.  I get to watch a full movie with no interruption.  Most of all, time to myself.  Yes, a very successful week back to work.  If it wasn't for this cold weather, I could almost say that I did it feeling great.  Unfortunately, I live in Michigan and have arthritis, so that is only a dream.  However, I do feel better then I have in a long time.  You see, I finally figured it out. Work is a distraction for me.  Not from my home life, but from myself.  At work, I can focus on something else.  It's not about me.  And any nurse that thinks it is shouldn't be a nurse.  It is about the people I work with, the service given, and the illnesses and problems of patients.  Not my own illnesses and disabilities.  You see, this is where all that time to think comes back to kick me in the rear end.  Nights like tonight I look for distraction.  Distraction from the pain, from the demands of being a mom and wife, and most of all the constant thought of how I wish things really were.  This is not a pity party.  Trust me.  I don't need or want anyone's pity.  I have had enough of that to last me three lifetimes.  It's just the simple truth.  So, I read, play on my gadgets, crochet, or find a good old movie.

Tonight I chose to distract myself with looking for some ideas for a "Mother Of The Bride" dress.  That's right, we are going wedding gown shopping tomorrow.  This is when it all becomes real.  A symbol that the little girl we nurtured and loved is all grown up.  We are both excited.  Or at least I was until my wonderful daughter suggested we start looking for my dress, as well.  So I started looking.  Why must designers insist on dressing us mothers like we are old women?  At 41, I am hardly an old woman.  Just because I feel like Betty White's age, doesn't mean I want to look it.  I want for people to look at me and then look at my daughter, and think, "Wow!"  Or at least think that I look good for my age and everything I have been through.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But I am not the first mother to think it.  Just the first one to actually put it out there.  So, wish us both luck tomorrow.  Pray my daughter finds her Cinderella dress.  Pray that I can at least find one that resembles her Fairy Godmother rather then her Evil Stepmother.  It's suppose to be a Fairytale wedding, not a nightmare.  

Because I Said So...

Well, the time has come.  Tomorrow night, at this time, I will be back at work since Easter.  I can't deny that I was so excited that I actually had my clothes picked out and everything since yesterday.  Similar to a child excited about the first day of school.  On the other hand, my nerves are getting the best of me.  I can't help but think what if it doesn't work out.  Yes, I do feel better then I have in a long time. However, I can't escape the fact that I still suffer from chronic disease, am disabled, and know that if it doesn't work out this time...that is it.  This is my last and final attempt at trying to keep my life as normal as possible.  Normal meaning living a life that is still fulfilling despite my health issues.  I know that in order to make this work, it is imperative that I take the best care of myself possible.  Yeah!  Okay.  Did I forget that I was a mom, wife, and not superwoman?  Let's face it...very few women are good at taking care of themselves.  I mean, we eat poorly, are sleep deprived, stressed to the max, and still have to deal with everyday demands of work, parenthood, marriage, etc..  Then we wonder why it is so hard to be encouraging to other women.  I am no Joan Cleaver!  Is that even possible?  Sure I have done my best to organize my life, eat better, manage my illness, and all that stuff that they convince us is crucial to being happy and healthy woman.  The part they leave out is that a truly happy woman is laying on the beach, with an umbrella drink, no interruptions, and in a size zero bikini.  Well, this momma is no size zero.  Laying on a beach would mean eventually I'd have to get up...not pretty (especially in a bikini).  As for the drink, it would probably put me to sleep because I don't drink and am so sleep deprived it isn't funny.  That would mean getting sunburned, which would lead to cancer, and then how am I going to take care of everyone. Did I get it right?  Isn't that how we ladies think?  No it's not sarcasm.  It's real life.  Well, maybe a little sarcasm.  So, all I can do is try to put my control freakish thoughts, doubts, and feelings of perfectionism aside and give it my all.  After all, that is what I would tell me kids. Right?  Funny how all those lessons we tried to teach our kids, come back to bite us in the rear.  I am finding it is time to take my own advice and all I want to say to myself in return is, "Oh mom.  Do I have to?"  The answer is, "Yes you do because I said so."  But don't tell my kids I said that ;)

Not Growing Older, Starting Over

So, I spent the day going through and cleaning my room.  I decided that it would be a good way to get my 41st birthday off my mind.  It truly didn't bother me until my daughter got engaged and my son got married.  We, also, have a younger son who will be 16 this year.  It's all been a bit overwhelming.  Especially because it has all happened in such a short period of time.  As I was going through some of the photos, I found myself getting a bit teary eyed.  The pictures were like a flash into the past.  As I looked through them I was reminded of how quickly the whole last 20 years had gone.  It seems like yesterday we were running kids all over the place for sports, school, and dance.  When you become parents, everyone tells you that it goes so fast.  However, between the diaper changing, teaching them how to ride bikes, first dates, and all those other moments you get lost in time.  My husband and I have always tried to be a part of their lives.  We got to know their friends, spent many days at sporting events, and always kept the lines of communication opened.  Even if that meant going on a long car ride with the doors locked and no way for them to escape us.  We are finding ourselves having to adjust to having all this free time on our hands.  Quite honestly, we have never had so much time alone together in the 20 years we have been married.  To top it all off, we have always worked separate shifts in order to have one of us home for the kids at all times.  Yes, this means we have to actually share the bed and wake up to each others beautiful faces everyday.  Sad, but true.  It's like having to get to know each other all over again.  I have to say it has been both a good and bad thing.  However, I can say that I am reminded everyday of why I fell in love with him.  Morning breath and all. 

Has I was taking a trip down memory lane, something occurred to me that hadn't before.  I realized that although our children are growing up and starting lives of their own, they still need us.  Just in a much different capacity then before.  It also occurred to me that we wouldn't change a thing.  We couldn't be prouder of the people our children have grown to be and the choices they have made for themselves.  They have all come so far.  So I now see turning 41 in a different light.  It's almost like a new beginning.  Not just for Paul and I, but the kids too.  Every moment should be just as cherished as watching them get to this point.  Even though our youngest has a couple of years to go, there will still be big decisions for him to make.  Decisions that will effect him once he gets to the same stage has his older brother and sister.  All of this started making me think that maybe getting older isn't such a bad thing.  Maybe it can be just as wonderful as the last 20 years (putting my health struggles aside, of course).  Just like the last 20 years, there is no way to go back and get a do over.  So I am embracing this point in my life, right now.  It's going to be a wild ride.  But then again, that seems to be how our family does things.  So, we are going to buckle up and roll with it.        

New Year...New Outlook!!!

Although I have vowed not to make any New Year's resolutions this year, I am bound and determined to continue working on my health and helping others.  The past year was so full of ups and downs.  It found us with one high school graduation, two engagements, one marriage, an adorable new addition to the family (an 88lb. Yellow Lab named Buddy), health struggles, the loss of close friends, and that is just to name a few.  However, our family stood together and put our trust in God and we are still here to tell about it.  2015 promises to be just as exciting.  Which is why I decided to stay away from the resolution making.  It's not because I don't have goals for myself.  It is because I know what is in store and know my limits.  Definitely don't need to put more pressure on myself then is necessary.  I will still continue to inspire other women, help others, and follow my dreams.  There will be many more blog posts this year, and the possible addition of videos.  I am so excited at the possibilities that are waiting for me on this journey.  Dreams are important.  They are what gives us purpose and a reason to get up every morning.  I hope that you are able to follow and accomplish yours.  But don't stop there.  Keep dreaming.  Dream big and small.  Anything is possible.  You just have to keep faith in yourself and in God's plan for you.  Others may try to criticize you or take your spark.  Don't let them.  The best dreams are the ones you fight the hardest for.  They mean the most and show your true personality.  So, instead of making new resolutions, gain a new outlook.  A new outlook on yourself, your life, your surroundings, and your future.  Much love and many blessings!!!!!