Ramblings of a Night Owl!

So, here it is 2a.m., and wide awake.  Yes, the life of a night owl.  Don't get me wrong.  It does have its perks.  The house gets clean with little disruption.  I get to watch a full movie with no interruption.  Most of all, time to myself.  Yes, a very successful week back to work.  If it wasn't for this cold weather, I could almost say that I did it feeling great.  Unfortunately, I live in Michigan and have arthritis, so that is only a dream.  However, I do feel better then I have in a long time.  You see, I finally figured it out. Work is a distraction for me.  Not from my home life, but from myself.  At work, I can focus on something else.  It's not about me.  And any nurse that thinks it is shouldn't be a nurse.  It is about the people I work with, the service given, and the illnesses and problems of patients.  Not my own illnesses and disabilities.  You see, this is where all that time to think comes back to kick me in the rear end.  Nights like tonight I look for distraction.  Distraction from the pain, from the demands of being a mom and wife, and most of all the constant thought of how I wish things really were.  This is not a pity party.  Trust me.  I don't need or want anyone's pity.  I have had enough of that to last me three lifetimes.  It's just the simple truth.  So, I read, play on my gadgets, crochet, or find a good old movie.

Tonight I chose to distract myself with looking for some ideas for a "Mother Of The Bride" dress.  That's right, we are going wedding gown shopping tomorrow.  This is when it all becomes real.  A symbol that the little girl we nurtured and loved is all grown up.  We are both excited.  Or at least I was until my wonderful daughter suggested we start looking for my dress, as well.  So I started looking.  Why must designers insist on dressing us mothers like we are old women?  At 41, I am hardly an old woman.  Just because I feel like Betty White's age, doesn't mean I want to look it.  I want for people to look at me and then look at my daughter, and think, "Wow!"  Or at least think that I look good for my age and everything I have been through.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But I am not the first mother to think it.  Just the first one to actually put it out there.  So, wish us both luck tomorrow.  Pray my daughter finds her Cinderella dress.  Pray that I can at least find one that resembles her Fairy Godmother rather then her Evil Stepmother.  It's suppose to be a Fairytale wedding, not a nightmare.