My Story

Part One:  Where I was...

I never thought in a million years that I would be the current health situation that I am. I have never been extremely healthy, but I have always thought that I would be okay. I was diagnosed with psoriasis as a teenager and always had asthma and allergies. Back then, they gave me hydrocortisone cream and said go play in the sun. By the time I was 16, I looked like a leopard. The pain, burning, and itching where always awful. Yes, back then, playing in the sun helped. But when you have allergies, being outside is actually more stressful to your system then helpful. And stress equals more breakout. Funny thing is that when I got pregnant for my first child. It all disappeared. Only to return 2 years later with avengence. The only place I didn't have it was on my face. As for the asthma, well that was my first lesson in anesthesia and how it effects those with respiratory issues. That's right, that came back even worse as well. So started the constant steroids and antibiotics. That was the way to treat it all. Who was I to question it? I wasn't even a nurse at that time. Then about 10 years ago, I had a brilliant idea. I wanted to go back to school and finally become a nurse. A decision I still say was one of the best ones I ever made. I love being a nurse. I love everything about it. However, the added stress of school full-time, work, family, etc.. really took its toll on my body. Constantly sick, tired, and on steroids. But I was good at it, and knew that if I could hang in there, it would be worth it. Then finally came the day, I was done. Boards passed, dream job, living the dream...right? Wrong. At first it was all good...then I started having even more health issues. Joints swelling, constant pain and burning, constant respiratory infections, psoriasis outbreak like never before, heart palpitations, chronic fatigue. Started spending more time in the hospital as a patient then I did as a nurse. Talk about depressing. Finally one day, my family doctor started to put the pieces together. When I was on the steroids...I was good. When I was off the steroids...it was really bad. Ran some tests, and low and behold, no cortisol production on my own...at all (Addison's Disease). This means my system has no fight or flight defense mechanism at all. I can't even compensate for the common cold on my own. No wonder I felt like crud, right? Well, then came the visit to the rheumatologoist. That's right, my psoriasis had finally settled into my joints, and because I have no way to compensate, let's just say my body was fried. So on top of daily steroid doses came the immunocompromising drugs (methoteraxte and Humira). Without them, however, I am in worse shape then a 60 year old woman. So that is the beginning, in a nutshell.


Part 2: Where I Am Now...

September 17, 2012 is a day I will always refer to has my "Wake up day". It was my daughter's 16th birthday. I had been sick for about a month, and was getting worse. Rushed around that day to get her cake and present together. By the time I got back from town, I had wheezes and shortness of breath so bad I couldn't hardly talk. My husband and I agreed that a trip to the ER was a must. I got there and a dear friend of mine, who is also a PA, called my family doctor, and I was admitted to the hospital. I was so upset about missing my daughters birthday, I cried. At that moment, I could only think of how awful it must be to have to worry about your mother being sick, when all you should be caring about was finally reaching that birthday most teenagers look forward to. The nurses arranged it so that we could have cake in my room that night, but it didn't help me feel any better. All I could feel was failure. Failure as a wife, a mom, a nurse, and as a person in general. The only thing that made it any better was that the nurses and doctors at the hospital were wonderful old friends of mine, who knew me and my family well. Three days later, they discharged me with Exacerbation of COPD with asthma, Addisons Disease, Psoriatic Arthritis, and Chronic Bronchitis. That's right, my day had finally come. Not only did all my chronic issues catch up with me, but my smoking had finally gotten the best of me. There was no choice...quit smoking or continue to kill myself. Which was exactly what was happening. I decided that my family and I deserved better. I hadn't had a cigarette since the day they put me in the hospital, and I wasn't about to start. My husband also decided to quit. It has been 18 days and we have both been smoke free for that long. We have adapted a whole new attitude towards smoking. We don't even want people to smoke on our property. I think that is why we have been successful so far. We don't want it around us, our kids, not even our dogs.

As for the rest, I am still struggling everyday to walk to the mailbox with out getting short of breath. I haven't been able to take any of my arthritis medications due having infections. therefore, my hands and feet are huge, warm, and red. I walk like a 60 year old woman. My steroid doses are still so high that I have developed a moon shaped face and look about 6 months pregnant. However, I can not compensate for the illness and stress on my own, so they are a necessary evil. But most of all, I have not been able to get back to work. I miss work...a lot. It was the one thing I had that was mine. When I had to give up direct patient care, I cried. It was the one thing about being a nurse I loved the most, and it had been taken away. When I became a patient placement coordinator, it was out of necessity. But I quickly learned to embrace it, and absolutely fell in love with my role, my co-workers, and everything involved.

This whole experience has caused me to do some massive soul searching, reflection, and decision making. In the days to follow my admission into the hospital, I had to sit and face hard facts. One of which is that I will never be the person I once was. Physically, mentally, or otherwise. I started asking my self questions like "What did I do to deserve all this?", "How was I going to take care of my family?" and "What about my job?" I started breaking into tears. At that moment, I did the only thing that I knew I could do. I started praying. I prayed so long and so hard, I was sure that I was repeating myself. But in that moment, God had revealed more to me then I had been able to figure out in the last five years, on my own. It was one of the most humbling, comforting, loving, and inspirational moments I have ever experienced. To say it has changed my life, is an understatement.

Where I Want To Be...

While I do not have all the answers for the questions about what the future holds for me and my family, I know that God has a plan.  Of this much I know is true.  I can not believe that He would have brought my family and I this far without purpose.  One of the the amazing thoughts God had shared with me in my time of prayer was that I am not the only person out there with struggles.  Whether it be the single mom, illness, family turmoil, or whatever, we all have our issues to deal with everyday.  He does not want us to go through these things alone.  He wants us to lean on Him.  He also gives us resourses in life to help guide us through and help us heal.  I have decided that is what I want for this blog.  I want it to be a place of inspiration, healing, love, and a place to help people find ways to make life easier and more meaningful.  A big task, I know.  However, I feel the best about myself when I am helping others.  This blog is also a way for me to chronical my own journey.  So if you find something that helps, feel free to utilize it.  Any suggestions, feel free to offer them.  It will take time to get the whole blogging thing down, so bare with me.  My hope for my followers is that you find inspiration, comfort, love, and ideas to help you overcome whatever it is you struggle with.  Much love, happy reading, and many blessings.