Looking Back To Move Ahead...

I know, I know.  It is the last stretch of January and I am just now getting my first post up for 2016.  I really have no good excuse for this other then I just didn't know what to post about at first.  I know that the beginning of the new year is seen as a new beginning to others.  However, it did not feel that way for me.  It felt more like the beginning of a disappointing cycle of years past.  I would make resolutions, only to break them before the beginning of February.  Not a promising way to look forward to 2016.  As the month progressed and I couldn't bring myself to make any resolutions, I started asking myself some very difficult questions.  Few answers came, and the ones that did weren't exactly encouraging.  Then I heard a sermon one day where the pastor asked the listeners to ask God how He sees you as an individual.  I immediately started thinking about the past five years.  The memories that came to me, about myself, were eye opening and disappointing.  Others have referred to me as many things.  Some bad and some good.  The reality was that I have been harder on myself then anyone else could ever be.  The words that I used to describe my self were tired, failure, scared, unaccomplished, inadequate, and weak.  I could not find one positive word to describe myself.  I also realized that, in some ways, I was a liar.  I got very good at acting like everything was fine, I was doing better, that I had everything under control, and that I was stronger then my circumstances.  Truth is, I wasn't, I had no hope to be any of it, and I had stopped caring what God thought or expected.  Not something I was proud of.  Definitely, not the person I wanted to be or even wanted to know.  Then, yet again, I acquired another infection.  So as if I didn't have another bad words to describe how I felt about myself, I could add scared and frustrated to the list.  Honestly, I was already feeling broken, but now I felt shattered.  How were my employer and coworkers going to react to me for taking more time off?  How was I going to be a good mom, wife, or grandmother?  Since when was what friends, family, and coworkers thought about me so much more important then my health and my ability to be a good mom/wife?  Since when was it so much more important then God?  How come I couldn't seem to just be good?  I wasn't even expecting perfect.  Just "good" for a change.  How could I explain to people, without judgement, how difficult mentally and physically it was to go through this?  It's hard to ask others, even loved ones, for help when you don't even know how to help yourself.  At the risk of sounding cliché, I literally started pleading to the Lord for something to happen.  I mean tears pouring, on my knees, nose to the floor pleading.  Anything!  I didn't expect a miracle, but I needed a sign that He was hearing my prayers.

After I pulled myself together, I decided to start journal my feelings and thoughts.  Journaling is something I have always done.  I find it so much easier sometimes to write my feelings down then to speak them out loud.  In that entry, I wrote about how I felt.  Then I decided to take that pastors advice and write down the words that I thought God would use to describe me.  Funny thing about feeling that awful about yourself...sometimes, you tell yourself these things often enough that you start to believe that is how everybody else sees you too.  So, as if I didn't already feel like I had failed myself and everybody close to me, I felt like I was failing God too.  I put my journal away, picked up my tablet, and started searching YouTube for anything that would make me feel better.  Something caught my attention.  By catching my attention, I mean it turned up every time I turned around.  Now, in my mind, that is someone's way of saying, "Watch me"!  It was a service, named "Hello, From The Other Side", that had been given by Steven Furtick of Elevation Church (if you are interested, it is posted on my Facebook page and based on the beginning of the book of Joshua).  It was his New Years Eve service.  At another risk of sounding cliché, it changed everything.  The fact that many of the feelings and thoughts that Pastor Steve had described, were exactly what I was feeling, furthered my thoughts that God had sent this message to me.  I had been mourning all this time.  Mourning the loss of my dreams, my capabilities, and what I had expected what my life would be like today.  There is a part in the service where he has the congregation stand up, and take a step forward.  Yes, call me corny (for lack of a better word), but I did exactly what he asked them to do.  I had taken that step as a way to mark a new beginning.  That step was more powerful then that.  It gave me hope.  I regained my faith.  It gave me clarity.  Most importantly, it gave me the want for intention and living my life for God's purpose. 

Now, I won't say that all my problems were solved in that one step.  There are other resources I have sought out that I won't get into.  I realize this post has already gotten longer then intended.  However, that one step gave me a starting point.  I decided to take the month of January and really think about how I wanted 2016 to be.  I decided resolutions were not useful unless they were pursued with intention.  So, my list is named "Intentions".  You see, New Years Resolutions are a great way to set goals and aspirations for the beginning of any year.  Its the perfect time to start.  Something about a new year just seems to give people hope and a feeling of a "clean start".  However, unless you make adjustments to your daily lifestyle to accomplish these things, you are already setting yourself up for failure.  And the cycle continues.  What's more...many feel like they can't pick up where they left off.  You need to have a plan for completing your goals.  You also need to have a plan for picking up the pieces when it all falls apart.  Intentional planning (whether for God's purpose or another purpose) is not only away to pursue these aspirations, but it is also a way of making sure you keep these changes in your life for years to come.  So, we are all a work in progress.  Much like this blog.  I intended it to be a way to inspire other women, share faith in Christ, share tips, and just be a place to retreat.  I realize, now, that my biggest mistake was not putting it in God's hands and trusting Him to lead me through it.  Many times I set out to post new entries, only to give up for fear of what others thought, not having enough faith in my abilities, or just plain laziness.  That is the end of that.  I have to start believing in myself again.  The way our Lord does.  The way others do.  I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am confident that God will be with me.  Something I couldn't profess to three weeks ago.  I got so good at pretending with everyone else that things were okay and I was fine, that I even fooled myself.

I do have many plans for this blog this year.  Lord knows, between household projects, crafts, beauty, cooking, and inspirational ramblings, I have managed a list of ideas that should provide me with enough content for a long while.  I also have plans to start a corresponding YouTube channel.  Working on  a filming setup.  I am a nurse not a movie maker.  Lol!  I promise not to get this lengthy (or at least try) in the future.  I also promise to try and not be too preachy.  However, it is important for my followers to know that my faith is a huge part of who I am and how I do everything.  It is a part of myself I lost, and I don't intend on losing it again.  I ask for your patience thru the changes.  I also encourage you to post your thoughts, share my posts, and hit the follow button.  There is also a Facebook page, Instagram page, and I am working on a Snapchat and Twitter pages.  I promise new recipes, home décor ideas, beauty tips, natural cleaning and beauty products and recipes are coming.  And so much more.  If you can give me your time to read my posts, I promise my best to make it worth it.  Too all of you I wishes you and your loved ones the very best New Year.  I pray you are all well and that you made it through this post without completely trying to avoid me in the future.  lol!  Big hugs, many prayers, and much love!