My New Fear...Time To Myself

As a young adult weight, time, and health were not things that I concerned myself with.  I ate what I wanted, and never worried about the consequences.  The same thing goes for my everyday life.  I worked long shifts and overschefuled myself never worrying about the effect it would have on my body.  Those were the days.  Unfortunately, they didn't last long.  It all caught up with me the hard way.  Fast forward 20 years later and I realize just how much I took advantage of being "young and healthy".  I have experienced many setbacks.  Some more difficult then others.  However, somewhere deep down inside I have found the strength to get through it all.  Many lessons have been learned.  The biggest lesson is that it doesn't just happen with a pill, a special diet, or even seeing the best doctors in the country.  It is a combination off all of it, a fighting spirit, an awesome support system, wonderful medical care, and faith that God is by my side every step of the way.  Even in my darkest moments.

However, now that I have seized control of all that, I find my self approaching several milestones. Some that i have found are a lot more challenging then others.  The blessing of being over forty (not something I was quick to embrace).  That time in every parents life when we set our children off into this big world on their own.  We have gained a besutiful daughter in law and soon a son inlaw.  I love them just as my own.  Then the biggest of all.  Time.  Time, you ask?  That's right...time by myself, time with my husband, and time to sit and drive myself crazy.  Now, if you are anything like me, you can't stand more then three days with your husband. I love the man to death and thank God everyday that I have him in my life.  However, we have always been so busy with kids that time ALONE, TOGETHER was like winning the lottery.  Now, we have so much time together that we drive each other crazy.  Of course, it doesn't help that neither one of us can stay still.  This is all with one teenager still home for a couple of years.  I am afraid that once the youngest is out, one of us will be admitted to the nearest mental health unit.  That would be even worse and just prove to my critics that i truly am out if my mind.  I can not have that, even uf there are days i believe it myself.  This brings me to my final fear...TIME BY MYSELF.

If you are a mom (and I think most are), you know what I am talking about.  Remember those days of not being able to go to the bathroom alone?  Well, now we find ourselves drowning in silence.  Now, how each one of us deals with this change is different.  Some might pick up another hobby, work more hours, or delight in it all and do nothing.  In my case, I have decided to make the most of it.  While my health is improving, it will never be the same as it was 20 years ago.  Therefore, I realize I have to be careful in the activities I participate in.  Exercise is great, and I love it.  Unfortunately, I have to pace myself, so doing extra workouts isn't really an option.  For me, the best decision, and the one that makes the most sense is to go back to school and finish my Bachelors and Masters in Nursing.  So, I have been looking into online programs that will allow me to have a minor in ministry.   The choices are a bit iverwhelming.  I have my work cut out for me. I feel nursing is a ministry in its self.  I want to focus on showing my patients that spiritual medicine and scientific medicine are best when practiced together.  I know there are some that will roll their eyes, but I am living proof that this is true.  I just want to pay it forward.  So, that combined with pursuing my writing should keep me busy.  If it doesnt, I guess there is always the mental health unit.  Maybe they will give me one if those white jackets that will allow me to hug myself continally.  Now that would be cute, and a bit too much self love for me. 

I hope that you find what you are passionate about and able to pursue it.  Life is to short to waste time just going through the motions or sitting with our minds spinning because if the silence around us.  Listen to your inner voice and do what makes you happy.  God plants those aspirations on our hearts for a reason.  Whether to teach us something about ourselves or about others.  Much love and many blesdings.

Conquering...

I am sitting here tonight with so much on my mind.  It hasn't exactly been the best of the last couple of days.  Fighting allergies, asthma, and, once again, the ever so present arthritis flare that comes with all of it.  However, I can't help but think about how lucky I am.  Yes, some days are so hard.  As a dear friend reminded me earlier, it is so hard to be who everyone expects you to be when you are struggling with pain, disease, and the defeat that comes with it all.  Despite all that, I have learned that during these moments, it is important to remember the positives in my life.  There are so many blessings.  My family is my greatest blessing.  A husband who not only makes me feel special, but shows me everyday how much I am loved.  Children who understand that mom is not like all the other moms, but offers them something many moms can't.  A view through the eyes of a woman who has suffered and continues to fight on and survive it all with style, grace, and a continued faith in God.  Friends who are my family and care for me and my loved ones as if we were all from the same family tree.  

These are the things I focus on when times are hard.  Through these thoughts, it is where I hear Gods voice telling me to keep fighting.  To ignore the people who have told me I can't do it.  It is my success that will be the lasting image that shows them how wrong they were.  To prove to the ones who have called me self absorbed or questioned my actions that others can be inspired and lifted up, instead of ridiculed and judged poorly.  Life has taught me so many valuable lessons.  Lessons some will not have the privilege of ever learning.  I am sad for them, really.  These are lessons that a person passes on long after they are gone.  In these thoughtful moments, it is where I take a deep breath, pick myself up, and find my energy to keep on going.  It's not always easy.  In fact, it's always extremely hard.  Yet, I do it.  I keep God as my copilot and together we conquer the day.  When it's over, I am sore, tired, and can barley move...but my heart and soul are happy and proud of what I accomplished.  Do I care what others see?  Yes, because I don't like looking weak.  However, I do like victory.  It is that victorious feeling that makes me want to say, "I showed you!"  Then tomorrow, I will do it all over again...until the day I can't anymore.  Much love and many blessings!